state of mood.

i can’t really say my mood has been the greatest lately. there’s a reason for it (several, in fact), indeed, but reasons isn’t suitable for blogs. you never know who might or might not read it. when i’m sad, it doesn’t take much to bring me even further down. it takes surprisingly little, actually. but earlier, an hour or so, something got me happy. it makes me laugh, which helps (du’uh), how little it takes to influence me. when i get happy i get ridiculously happy, and when i get sad/angry.. the same. right now i’m smiling. joy is running through my body. i can feel the cheers easing through my veins. it feels wonderful.

some might call me pathetic (honestly, i’m one of them at times), but being able to be this happy. to feel this excited over such small things.. it’s quite nice. it almost makes up for the major sadness that comes just as easily. some might call me a bitter and angry harpy, but they don’t know my story. the reasons behind my reactions to things. they don’t know what kind of roads i’ve walked in my life. those people, who so easily call me bitter and angry, can’t see that i can be happy. that i’m warm inside, just as i can be chilly.

right now i’m joyful. the cheers is still there. running happily through me.

2010.

i’m sorry that i haven’t written in a while. i could say that i just haven’t had anything to write about, but that’s not true. i have. i just haven’t felt the urge to write about it. instead i let the thoughts and happenings roll around in my head. it’s kind of weird that it’s a new year, and i didn’t write on new years eve. i wanted to, but i just hate it. i wont get into why, but i’ve never liked it since i was a little kid. my little brother, my grandma and me spent new years eve in spain. grandma lives there, and a trip to spain was me and my little brother’s christmas gift. i left after a week, but my brother stayed two weeks. i haven’t seen him since, actually. he moved to my dads after he got home. i think it’s better that way. we just don’t work together. mom just gets furious when i say it out loud, so i tend to avoid it, but me and my little brother; not a good match. some people just don’t go that well together, and my mother needs to understand that. but anyway.. 

oscar wilde wrote in lady windermere’s fan; “i can resist anything except temptation.” i would say that it’s almost funny, ’cause it’s so true. temptation is a dangerous thing. he also said that the only way to get rid of temptation is to give in for it. that, too, is true. some say it’s a weakness, but some disagree. i haven’t made up an opinion about it, yet.

i hope this year is going to be a better one. 2009 didn’t really work for me, so let’s keep our hopes up for 2010. next month it’s my seventeenth birthday. i’m looking forward to it. a year older than sixteen. it has to be worth something, right? i don’t know.. but it better. if not i’m demanding a refund. 

to be totally honest i’m not really in the mood for writing today, either.. i wanted to write, ’cause it’s been a while. but it’s just not coming anything smart out of me. so i’m gonna wait till there’s something new and worth writing about. it’s limiting what you can actually write in a blog available for anyone who wishes to take a look. 

so.. until next time.
have a good evening.

dark berry mocha frappuccino.

changing your way of life is never easy. maybe because it’s not done that often. i’m a living proof that it’s not easy. this weekend i cracked. big time. 

the weekend started with me taking the two-hour long bus ride to sandnes, followed by a 15 minute train ride to stavanger. there one of my best friends met me and we were off to watch a movie with some people she knew, and some she didn’t know. the evening was not much more than ordinary over there, and we got home to her apartment around midnight. it was then i got a phone call that put a huge dent in my changing plan. one of the main things about me changing would signify me ignoring that call, instead of answering it. you have no idea how much i regret answering that damn phone call. the conversation ended with me agreeing to another thing i was originally trying to get out of my system. and then it was done. 

on saturday i hung out with an extraordinary and amazing girl. her presence in my life i can assure you i’m pretty grateful for. she’s helped me cope with troublesome things in my life and makes my heart smile. but we weren’t alone! we hung out with another special friend of hers, who also seems like a great girl. we had a really good time, and it was on my way home to my friends apartment the phone call came again. that damn phone call.

the sunday started with a good breakfast at my friends apartment, a shower and then the bus back to sandnes where my dad picked me up. we drove back to his place where my grandma, great grandma and some other family members were. it was very nice to see my grandma and great grandma again. it’s been so long.. but that’s just the way it is when i’ve moved so far away from them. after a couple of hours we were off to take the bus back home. the stupid bus drove from sandnes 10 minutes too early, so we had to get past it to catch it, which we managed. and then it was just two hours till we were home. and in just two hours i was meeting my phone call. that damn phone call. 

it’s amazing how much a single thing can haunt and taunt you. or in this case a single human being. this human is like a dark berry mocha frappuccino. it’s heavenly when you drink it, but it couldn’t be worse for you. when you drink it you feel good; the tastes of the fancy frappuccino is dancing on your tongue. but the side effects doesn’t come right away, it takes its time to sink in to your system. it infiltrates you from the inside out. you have it too often you might as well admit that you’re screwed. 

getting those phone calls, from that human being, and the agreements that should’ve never been in my system at all; is my own personal dark berry mocha frappuccino. and i’m admitting that i’m screwed.

chasing winter.

when i left for school this morning the stars were still visible on the sky. i have a five minute walk to the bus stop, and i enjoyed every minute. the darkness was on its way to bed and the light was showing in the horizon. it was frost on the ground and the cold air was refreshing. the stars were telling me good night as they slowly disappeared one by one. 

while sitting on the bus, i could see a line with a dim red and pink color forming at the bottom of the sky, and it was beautiful mixed together with the dark sky that hadn’t gone away yet. the sky is the thing i love most about the ride to school. that, plus the music in my ears, is the perfect way to start my day. 

on the bus home the light is lovely. the sun is on its way down, but hasn’t come very far. the light over everything we drive by is captivating. it’s too bad the bus ride doesn’t last very long. i would love to be sitting there in the bus to admire the sight much, much more. but from the terrace at home i have a pretty good view, so it’s not all that bad. 

at the moment i’m sitting in my window looking up at the moon. it’s been shining down at me for quite some time now. it’s so pretty. i went to the store a couple of hours ago, and the only thing lighting me up was the moon and the stars. i absolutely love walking outside in the evening when the moon and stars are out. it was really cold, but no biggy. i still like walking. 

just sitting here in the window with my macbook on my lap, the moon outside my window, several candles lit in my room and listening to amazing music kristoffer shared with me yesterday.. it’s these kind of moments i love. it would be fantastic to share it with someone, but i don’t mind being alone either. the atmosphere is nice. 

i’m going to bed soon. i have to do some french homework before i hit the sheets, but i’m not going to be late today. it’s a drag to be tired at school. so, this too, has been a good day. but i’m still waiting for the days to get great.

good night everyone.

an angels temptation.

the taste of blood was evident in my mouth. it was a taste i’ve had before on numerous occasions, one unlike the other. but this time, i couldn’t seem to put my finger as to why it found place in behind my lips. it was only seconds later that a powerful wave of urges came flowing through me, and then i saw her. the temptation. she was clear as a bell there she stood ,with only what seemed like a washcloth hanging over her. her dark hair was like curtains hanging down over her shoulders. framing her stunning face perfectly. her skin was as pale as the moon, and just as beautiful. her eyes was an icy blue color. which gave her a divine look. when i looked closer, i could see a weak glow emanating from her skin. she didn’t smile, but her lips looked like rose petals. tasty red. why was it that this alluring creature had appeared in front of me now? she was mouthwatering. i had to have a taste. like if she had read my mind, her eyes popped up with fear. i took a step closer to her, but she didn’t move. she looked like she was nailed to the ground. the closer i got the more afraid she looked. the more fear she showed in her eyes, the more i wanted her. i was standing right in front of her now, and a glistening tear came running down her cheek. i could feel the corners of my mouth forming a wicked smile. just inches away now. i took one hand and moved the hair on her right side to her left, and there it was; taunting me. it was bare and perfectly formed. the skin was wound tightly over the veins. i opened my mouth and showed her my personal weapon. now it was a stream of glistening tears running down her cheeks. she terrified, and she really should learn to control herself better around someone like me. the fear worked like an arousal. i leaned over the nape of her neck and held steady. my arms held her shoulders, just in case she decided to move after all. so close. the smell was intoxicating. i couldn’t take it anymore, and pierced my weapons into her. i could feel the horror as i penetrated her. ah, what a divine taste.

wind of change.

today has been a good day, too. the day also started with two hours of french and my focus was on the right things. the same with the norwegian the two classes after that, and biology and mathematics in the end of the day. i really have to say i’m proud of myself! i’ve said to myself that i’ll have to change my ways, and when i finally went for it i actually made it work. when my concentration was in place everything fell into place. my mood improved a little, too. 

when i got home i went out in the woods, and it was amazing. i wandered around and let my mind go wild. the fresh air was intoxicating! after i’d walked for a while, i sat down on a big, fallen tree; leaned back and listened in. hearing the birds chirping and seeing the squirrels jumping from tree to tree was really nice. i laid myself down and looked up at the treetops. not only could i see it, but i could also hear the wind playing in the trees. it was a very liberating feeling. with the fresh and cold air entering my lungs it kind of unlocked something in my head. i was able to think clear, fresh thoughts. like the air. i think i’ve found myself a thinking-spot. 

after i’d been in the forest i had an appointment at the chiropractor, which was done in no time. i don’t think it takes more than 10 minutes in there. he cracks my back in no time! on my way home again it rained a little, but i didn’t care. it was nice feeling the raindrops in my face. 

now i’m lying in bed relaxing and listening to muse. it’s nice. afterwards i don’t know what i’m going to do.. i’ve actually done everything i’m supposed to do. there’s nothing bugging my mind that needs to be done. i’m completely free tonight. awesome. maybe i’ll read. i haven’t done that in a little while.. then it’s settled. i’ll be sitting with a nice cup of tea and a good book for the rest of the evening! 

take care.

i can feel the change.

good evening! i’m not kidding in the header; today was different. in a good way!
i was a little tired, but that’s to be expected. the youth these days is always constantly tired. in the beginning of the day we had two hours of french class, which was fun. i’ve always adored french! i felt like i got a lot done, too. after that it was english and social science, which was ok. in the two last classes we had mathematics. as unbelievable as this may sound; i did a lot! we got our last test back, and the grade was awful. but my teacher said some pretty encouraging words to me and that made me want to show him that i am capable of getting a descent grade, so i’m working on it.

today, when i got home from school, i actually sat down with my homework. i can’t remember the last time i started my homework right away.. but it felt good. i worked on my math, french and biology. it’s weird how different i’m feeling just because of that. i also cleaned my bathroom and my bedroom. not that my bedroom really needed cleaning, it’s mostly neat and clean; but i just felt like making it a little prettier since i was on a roll. i’ve watched a little bit of tv (true blood is awesome!) and that’s about it what i’ve done today. tomorrow i’m heading into the woods to explore a little. after that i have an appointment with the chiropractor again. the homework will have to wait until after that. 

the happy feeling hasn’t shown up yet, but i’m satisfied with the change i’ve been able to do already. i really believe anyone can do anything as long as they set their minds to it!
but that will have to do for today. good night!

new blog, new start?

hello, my name is ebony raven (ibenholt ravn). i’m sixteen years old, and i turn seventeen in little under three months.
i have another blog, too, but i need a change in my life. the changes couldn’t wait till new year’s. it’s time to try to put things behind me, and if i don’t start now i’ll probably never do. wish me luck, eh?

someone once told me that there’s always a path out of a deep and awful hole, no matter if it’s short or exasperatingly long, all you need to do is set your mind into following it. and there’s always going to be bastards standing along that path tempting with candy to drag you back down; but the important thing is to remember to eat healthy. 

i’m planning on listening to that person. at least to try.. i owe it to myself to try to change the way things are and to try my best to get a smile on my face and keep it there. it’ll not only help myself, but others around me. it’s amazing how affected people get by happy people. ok, not insanely perky ones, but ordinarily happy. content. i don’t think it’s going to be an easy process, but then again; life just wouldn’t be worth it with no challenges.  

getting a new blog is done. now the other challenge is next on the schedule. 
again; wish me luck!