2012.

hello there.

it’s 2012. a new year with new possibilities. can you believe it? i most certainly can. i entered the new year with my (still) stunningly amazing fiancée. 2012 is a year of travel, change and great happiness. i have a great deal on my plate for this year – i’m going to Paris in three months (also with my fiancée, and i can’t wait!), i’m going to a concert to finally see one of my favorite bands, i’m moving in with my (yes, i like writing it) fiancée, getting a job, and hopefully we’re going to Milan in the fall. doesn’t it sound great? i think so. the best thing about thinking of your future is knowing you have someone to share it with. i can’t even begin to describe how lucky and happy i feel! i used to look at my future and see fog; the uncertainty crept over me and almost swallowed me whole.. so many possibilities! these are the final months before i go out into ‘the real world’ and start college. or, i’m going to work for a year before i start, but the feeling is still the same. usually it’s the (as mentioned) uncertainty and that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach as you think about what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. now i know, and the feeling of having it figured out is beyond gratifying. i know how it’s going to be, and i can’t wait for it to be summer so i can start! i know the plot, the characters and some of the action, but there are a few blanks that still need to be filled — but that’s no problem. they are happy blanks. friendly blanks. i don’t worry about the blanks. because, good people, i got it figured out! and oh, how great it is.

knowing that i have my man there beside me in my future.. i can’t even describe it well enough. the blood cruises around in my body, making my heart yell and sing and dance! all these fabulous things. i feel so incredibly lucky to have this wonderful and downright great person in my life! if there is a God, higher power or what ever — i’m forever thankful! so, so thankful. i have found true happiness and love, and it’s guiding me and walking with me through life like that best friend. somehow i was chosen. there are so few people in life who get that — but i did. i actually did. 

have a good night, whoever’s out there.
i’m signing off — happy and full of love.

eagerness.

hello there, o great world of cyberspace.

as an update, i can tell you that my days haven’t been that interesting lately. weekdays, that is. i count the days, hours and minutes till friday finally comes, and i either get to visit my strongly beloved fiancée, or he comes to visit me. the weekends are golden. those are the days that keep me going. being with my one and only is the most amazing thing in the world. there is nothing else that beats that feeling of belonging and love; feeling like you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. not only do i long for the weekends, but the vacations and holidays. right now it’s 50 days till christmas break, and i get to be with my man for 18 days. 18!
that is beyond comforting when i have to go the weekdays without him. not being able to see him smile or laugh, not being able to feel his presence.
but i count for the holidays! after christmas break we have 2012, and the holidays are piling up at the beginning of the year. in february we have winter break, in march/april we have easter break (plus a trip to paris right after!), in may we have lots of extra long weekends, and in june school is ending!
it is so amazing thinking about that. seeing it from that perspective, it doesn’t seem like that far away till i can finally be with him forever, uninterrupted.
earlier today i went through some conversations between us from before we met. we were so eager to finally meet! but still so afraid that we were just hoping and dreaming of something that might never be. imagine our joy when it became everything we wished for and more! there is such a thing as true love, but it’s not as easy for everyone to find it. i sing my prayers every night for having been so lucky as to find mine!

even though i don’t get to see him every day, the minute i get in his arms again, everything makes sense. that is one of the best things!
this wasn’t the longest post i’ve ever written, but i felt the need to write at least something. so.. here it is.

au revoir.

for all of eternity.

these days i’m full of love. i can feel it right down to my very core. it’s such a wondrous sensation! being able to feel such joy and warmth inside of me. it feels like every muscle in my body is shouting from the top of their lungs that they long for my sweetheart! my life has turned completely upside-down after i got him back in my life. he has no idea of the depth my love for him runs. it feels like my entire life circles around his being. his happiness and joy is the highest priority. knowing that, at this point, i can’t be there for him all the time is hard. sometimes i struggle with voicing my emotions – or simply showing them on my face; but they’re there. they are there, my love. my entire being has permanently altered itself to the future of the two of us. nothing is more important than you and me. being able to feel the permanency of our love and our future is beyond amazing. our future life together is what now is all about. i live each day in the waiting for that day. and nothing will change the way i feel. nothing. it’s you and me for all of eternity.

jittery feelings.

well, well. here i am again.
tomorrow is my first day of my last year of high school. it’s strange to think about, but also kind of a relief. to be honest, i’m kind of excited about starting again after two months of vacation. don’t get me wrong, having two months of vacation was beyond great, but getting started with the regular day to day things is also needed. what have i done in my vacation, you ask? well, i’ll tell you.
i spent most of my time with the most important person in my life, the most wonderful man, which happens to be my fiancée. we had the most amazing time together, and there is really no words for how fantastic and purely good he is. with him around i feel complete. i look at him and i see happiness. complete and utter happiness. his smile makes my heart skip a beat.. but i don’t think that’s a fact he’s actually aware of. he don’t see himself the way he should. he has no idea of what he does to my days and my life in regular.

at this time a year from now, i’ll be living under his roof. and i can’t wait! knowing when you’ll start the rest of your life is a jittering – but amazing – feeling.

adult life and happiness?

since the last time i made my appearance on this blog i’ve become a so-called adult. so far i’m not all that impressed, really. only thing that’s different is that i can walk into clubs without having to wonder whether or not i’ll get in, buy alcohol, drive a car (if i’d actually had my permit, which i don’t) and, lucky me — get to pay bills. the last part sucks. my fellow comrads in newly adulthood all ran to the liquor store, but me? i went to the local store and bought paracet. i’m not saying i haven’t bought alcohol, i have, and cigarettes for a few friends, but my first “need” was paracet. once i had this major headache and went to the store, ’cause we were out of paracet, and what am i told? i have to be eighteen! was i pissed off? indeed. so now, in their ugly faces, i can buy my paracets. the fact that i’ve had a rocky few months with a certain someone probably didn’t help, either. i’ve had a wonderful time, but now it’s over. it disappoints me how he’s dealing with all of this, and how he so desperately tries to make me the bad guy here. but hey, some people just can’t steer themselves in the right directions. i’m not saying i’m so good at that myself, but at least i try to control myself.

but, that’s not actually what i wanted to blog about today. maybe, in light of recent events, i should still be a little down and what not, but i’m not; i’m smiling from ear to ear, struggling not to flutter away. my body is overfilled with joy and warmth, and i just can’t help my smiles. they won’t stay away from my face for long, but why would i want them to? it’s the most amazing thing to be happy and be able to smile! the reason, you ask? a boy. or, a man. depends on how you see it. he’s at least a man in my eyes. sadly, he’s out of my reach.. i can’t walk for a few minutes and knock on his door, or drive for twenty. if i want to be in contact with him, i need to pull up my phone or go on my computer. it makes me indescribably sad not being able to see him whenever i want, but knowing i can just talk to him at all times is making it all better. seeing his adorable and shy smile makes my heart sing with happiness. is it crazy? maybe. but who doesn’t need a little crazy in their lives? i think everybody. maybe in small doses, but at least a bit. knowing i can also make him smile and feel those nervous butterflies in the stomach is beyond gratifying. the way he makes me feel, just over those written lines on the screen, is amazing. he’s been in my life for years and years now, and though there have been sad times, the good times definitely stand victorious. no one, and i mean no one, stands a chance to his personality and charm. although he can’t see it himself, he is one unique individual. the moment i get to feel him in my arms is closing in me, and i have to catch my breath a few times. just knowing the power he holds.. ’cause when someone feels such things for another, they become vulnerable. so vulnerable. but only the cruel people take advantage of that. i know a few, but this one, he is not one of them. he is wonderful. he’s willing to bet on me the way no one has ever done before. the way he talks to me.. it’s different. he’s different. and i’m so glad i have him in my life. no one can replace him, and nor do i want anyone to. he is mine to have and to hold, and i’m so much looking forward to it!

i hope this haven’t been too much for you, and that you can try to picture such insane happiness.
until next time.

so much negativity.

when i’m not completely ok, i need to vent. to a person, a diary, a dog, the ocean, a blog.. to something. it helps. surrounded by negativity will wear you down. no joking around. i find myself struggling to hold on to the positive things at the moment. i’m aware of their presence, but i find it hard to truly acknowledge them.

a person is defined by words and actions. both their own and others. especially those of our dear ones. so when one does not get much more than negativity thrown back at one, and feels it creeping into their bones.. how can’t it not form the evil and wicked inside? one try to be positive from time to time, but when that little bit of negative thought or word surfaces, it’s downhill from there. a human soul is fragile and divine – it should not be tainted with those foul things. sadly, it’s not everyone who thinks about that, and keep on sending out negative vibes, actions and words — so the soul gets dirty. flawed. broken.. and bit by bit it breaks down.

instead of those wicked words – use kind ones. filled with positivity. those are the words that shine and bring happiness. it keeps the soul clean and serene, like it ought to be.

longing for the fall.

the summer is over and a new school year has started. am i happy to be sitting sleepless in dull classrooms again? oh yes. the vacation was nice, but to call it summer, would overdo it a tad. we’ve had a few days of hot and sunny days, but not a whole lot of them. right now i’m counting the days till the fall gets here, so i can start wearing some comfortable clothes again. i never seem to be able to be quite at ease in the summer. the moist weather makes the clothing sticky and almost unbearable. there were never a day i felt a hundred percent at ease in my attire. the closest thing to perfection was when a few girlfriends of mine and myself went swimming. it was uncomfortably warm that day, and we actually decided to go take a dip in the water; and boy, was it nice! the water temperature was so soothing against my clammy skin, i could just lay there – floating in the water. quite soon i found myself alone in the water, ’cause my company found that the water temperature was too unsettling for their part. well, their loss. that was one of the best days of my summer.

it’s ironic that after complaining about our boring weather this summer, i now long for the chill autumn air to fill up my lungs. i miss the feel of rain on my face. i’ve longed for the perfect rain to stand in, and yesterday was it. but.. i was at a friends’ house, and he said i was not to sit my ass down in his car if i was soaked. seeing that i didn’t felt like walking home at night in the pouring rain — i chose not to step out in the rain. i hope he knows how much he owes me for that.

either way, i’m happy. i’m enjoying my new school year with new and exciting subjects, and there’s a special someone who’s there everyday to make me smile. there’s things i wanna throw hard objects at, but i’m trying hard to ignore that and focus on the most eminent sensation.

it’s good to be back.
- until next time.

state of mood.

i can’t really say my mood has been the greatest lately. there’s a reason for it (several, in fact), indeed, but reasons isn’t suitable for blogs. you never know who might or might not read it. when i’m sad, it doesn’t take much to bring me even further down. it takes surprisingly little, actually. but earlier, an hour or so, something got me happy. it makes me laugh, which helps (du’uh), how little it takes to influence me. when i get happy i get ridiculously happy, and when i get sad/angry.. the same. right now i’m smiling. joy is running through my body. i can feel the cheers easing through my veins. it feels wonderful.

some might call me pathetic (honestly, i’m one of them at times), but being able to be this happy. to feel this excited over such small things.. it’s quite nice. it almost makes up for the major sadness that comes just as easily. some might call me a bitter and angry harpy, but they don’t know my story. the reasons behind my reactions to things. they don’t know what kind of roads i’ve walked in my life. those people, who so easily call me bitter and angry, can’t see that i can be happy. that i’m warm inside, just as i can be chilly.

right now i’m joyful. the cheers is still there. running happily through me.

2010.

i’m sorry that i haven’t written in a while. i could say that i just haven’t had anything to write about, but that’s not true. i have. i just haven’t felt the urge to write about it. instead i let the thoughts and happenings roll around in my head. it’s kind of weird that it’s a new year, and i didn’t write on new years eve. i wanted to, but i just hate it. i wont get into why, but i’ve never liked it since i was a little kid. my little brother, my grandma and me spent new years eve in spain. grandma lives there, and a trip to spain was me and my little brother’s christmas gift. i left after a week, but my brother stayed two weeks. i haven’t seen him since, actually. he moved to my dads after he got home. i think it’s better that way. we just don’t work together. mom just gets furious when i say it out loud, so i tend to avoid it, but me and my little brother; not a good match. some people just don’t go that well together, and my mother needs to understand that. but anyway.. 

oscar wilde wrote in lady windermere’s fan; “i can resist anything except temptation.” i would say that it’s almost funny, ’cause it’s so true. temptation is a dangerous thing. he also said that the only way to get rid of temptation is to give in for it. that, too, is true. some say it’s a weakness, but some disagree. i haven’t made up an opinion about it, yet.

i hope this year is going to be a better one. 2009 didn’t really work for me, so let’s keep our hopes up for 2010. next month it’s my seventeenth birthday. i’m looking forward to it. a year older than sixteen. it has to be worth something, right? i don’t know.. but it better. if not i’m demanding a refund. 

to be totally honest i’m not really in the mood for writing today, either.. i wanted to write, ’cause it’s been a while. but it’s just not coming anything smart out of me. so i’m gonna wait till there’s something new and worth writing about. it’s limiting what you can actually write in a blog available for anyone who wishes to take a look. 

so.. until next time.
have a good evening.

dark berry mocha frappuccino.

changing your way of life is never easy. maybe because it’s not done that often. i’m a living proof that it’s not easy. this weekend i cracked. big time. 

the weekend started with me taking the two-hour long bus ride to sandnes, followed by a 15 minute train ride to stavanger. there one of my best friends met me and we were off to watch a movie with some people she knew, and some she didn’t know. the evening was not much more than ordinary over there, and we got home to her apartment around midnight. it was then i got a phone call that put a huge dent in my changing plan. one of the main things about me changing would signify me ignoring that call, instead of answering it. you have no idea how much i regret answering that damn phone call. the conversation ended with me agreeing to another thing i was originally trying to get out of my system. and then it was done. 

on saturday i hung out with an extraordinary and amazing girl. her presence in my life i can assure you i’m pretty grateful for. she’s helped me cope with troublesome things in my life and makes my heart smile. but we weren’t alone! we hung out with another special friend of hers, who also seems like a great girl. we had a really good time, and it was on my way home to my friends apartment the phone call came again. that damn phone call.

the sunday started with a good breakfast at my friends apartment, a shower and then the bus back to sandnes where my dad picked me up. we drove back to his place where my grandma, great grandma and some other family members were. it was very nice to see my grandma and great grandma again. it’s been so long.. but that’s just the way it is when i’ve moved so far away from them. after a couple of hours we were off to take the bus back home. the stupid bus drove from sandnes 10 minutes too early, so we had to get past it to catch it, which we managed. and then it was just two hours till we were home. and in just two hours i was meeting my phone call. that damn phone call. 

it’s amazing how much a single thing can haunt and taunt you. or in this case a single human being. this human is like a dark berry mocha frappuccino. it’s heavenly when you drink it, but it couldn’t be worse for you. when you drink it you feel good; the tastes of the fancy frappuccino is dancing on your tongue. but the side effects doesn’t come right away, it takes its time to sink in to your system. it infiltrates you from the inside out. you have it too often you might as well admit that you’re screwed. 

getting those phone calls, from that human being, and the agreements that should’ve never been in my system at all; is my own personal dark berry mocha frappuccino. and i’m admitting that i’m screwed.